Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
