I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
