I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
