If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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