I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
