Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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