Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
