the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
