You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
