a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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