You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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