The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
