hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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