Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
