Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
how does that bad decision feel?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
