Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
