Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I look better un-naked...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
