i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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