so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
