I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
