So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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