she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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