I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
