Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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