i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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