Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
and you fell through a lawn chair
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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