3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
