So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
