His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
