over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
