Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
