I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
