hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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