Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize