all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
