I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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