How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
