you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
