The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
