i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The ass gains better be worth it
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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