I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
