Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
