I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
