the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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