Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize