I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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