i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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