just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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