Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
