i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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