Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
