And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
