I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
