I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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