Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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