Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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