Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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